My Public Diary 101

Today I am sad, and it hurts so much to feel this way. I wish things were better, brighter and smoother.

I know I haven't come here in a while to rant, it feels so different doing it now. A lot has happened since the last time, a lot has changed about me too, okay, I got better, that's good news huh? 🤗

2019 ended with a bang, I was super excited about all the things that came through for me. I made new friends at the NYSC camp, amongst them, I met three pharmacists, I call them 'the boys from Uyo' (one day, I'd write about them). I met Ebube too, a serial photo editor and a photographer, she was the lady next bunk, the lady who's now closer than a friend. I know one day we'd sit on a round table and talk about how our dreams came through.

Away from the introduction, it's been four month into 2020. The year didn't start with so much joy as I had expected, I gave up on a relationship with someone I really loved, it pinched me, it left me absent minded, sober, always in thoughts, but it had to be done. It was necessary.

While I welcomed me into a start of a new decade, I promised myself that 2020 was gonna be better, and yeah, it's been kicking up fine with it's little glitches here and there, but isn't that what life is all about?

I can never over emphasize how  blessed I feel with the people I've got in my life right now, I do not deserve them, they sure do not deserve a 'jangolova' (mood swinger) like me, they have been the right plug I needed to get me started, the right electron I needed to boost my self esteem.

After this pandemic is over, I think I'd go out more often and not bury myself in work and study all the time, my head needs to rest, I need a break from all of this, really.

Again today, I lost a friend, no, he didn't die, I lost the friendship we shared, I killed it, call me a killer, it's okay, it's fine, it was my fault, but I won't let you in, just put the blame on me. I have become a silent ticking bomb, I think 🤦

As much as i don't want my life to be a hidden book anymore, it is difficult to express myself just the way I feel like it. It's even more difficult to try to...

I am more worried about responsibilities resting on my shoulder, the feeling of not knowing what's next on the list for me, I should slow down on my worry, I really should, else I fall sick again. I'm tired.

I wish things were better.
I wish I had graduated earlier.
I wish I didn't have to be cut up in so much to have lost so many important things in my life.
I wish I was normal.

I'm terribly hurting.
It's that time of the year when I need a shoulder but can't call out for help, because, because, because it's just me. Me. Me and me again.

I hope someday, I look back at today, and remember there was a time I was like this, but today things only got best.

I just wanted to rant, it's a whole lot to be me, especially in 2020.

Geez!